If you haven’t done it already, type Get Fit To Get Laid into google. And do the same on iTunes to find the podcast. This is a brilliant source of clear thinking about sexuality and what women want from a man. Originally started by Sabrina Domenosky, a.k.a Sultry Sabrina, and now co-hosted by barefoot Brooklyn philosopher Ulrich Neujahr, the show focuses on fitness of mind and body, and how this will get you laid more. Who would have thought that getting more action in the sack is a spiritual issue? But it is true.
Their most recent podcast is an awesome, hour long conversation on how being comfortable with yourself, being happy in your own presence, is the most attractive thing to a woman.
And it really got me thinking. This is something I have known intuitively for some time. And it is ultimately what this blog is all about. It is about finding that rooted, authentic self, and being able to access it when around women, or in any challenging life situation for that matter (women being the most challenging life situation I can think of right now).
Yet, despite knowing this, I still find it difficult to make that leap, and find myself grounded in my own values, when challenged with getting to know a new woman in my life. I still find it hard to be myself, even though I know that putting myself first is the only way to secure a lasting and valuable relationship with a woman.
The thing is that being true to yourself is not that easy. Especially when you have all the same basic needs and desires as the rest of the bloody world. You still want food, shelter, love, sex and companionship. You just want it on your own terms. You just want it in a way that fits with your own sensibilities.
So, yeah I agree that living according to your own authenticity is the key to a successful relationship with yourself and women. But the thing is, it is way easier to say than it is to do, and it is a particularly male challenge.
From my own perspective, I am a work in progress. And the bottom line, as I seem to affirm over and over to myself, is that the most important thing is how you view yourself. How you conceptualise your physical and metaphysical space in this world. And the key to this – is genuinely not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. This is the only way. Truly, one hundred per cent, not giving a flying monkey’s ass what your friends, your mother, your father, your girlfriend, the girl you are texting – absolutely everyone, thinks. Again easier said than done.
By the way, this is not some weird form of misanthropy I am advocating. I am just saying cut out the nonsense. Cut it out. The most attractive thing in a person, is a sense of inner peace, and the only way to find that is to completely disregard the opinions and judgements of others. Listen to them, acknowledge them and take what you can get from them, but under no circumstances put them above your own in value.
This takes practice. And I continue to fail at it. I am always too eager to fucking please, especially when it comes to girls. And it never works. People pleasing at best confuses people, and at worst leads them to resenting you. Women especially, value someone who will be straight with them. They respect most of all, a man who has strong values and sticks to them.
But that’s quite enough about what women want. That’s not what this blog is about at all. The fact is that very few of us are this guy right now. I know myself, I am a work in progress, and my negativities very often get the better of me. And it is frustrating. I know who I am, I know what I have to offer, but because I am still struggling to build a solid sense of self, in world that is constantly trying to thwart such efforts, I find myself very often alone, with only a vaporous faith in the person I know I am to become.
This is part of it though. Without this, the solid sense of self I am talking about would have no chance to flourish. It might look to those around me that I am dissipating. That I am undecided about who I am. That I am something one minute and another thing the next, but the reality is that I am very simply negotiating rough territory on the way to what is, and always will be, a very clear destination.
There is no quick fix, is I think what I am trying to say. It is one thing to know something, and another thing to manifest this new knowledge in a practical way. I constantly find myself changing myself in order to please women. Even though I know that doing so is criminally negligent regarding my own true sense of self. Not only that, it risks cheapening very valuable friendships and relationships with people of like mind, who simply happen to be women.
Despite this, it is important to not beat yourself about this shit. I do it all the time, but it is ultimately pointless. The only thing you can do is keep on keeping on, and act on a faith that you know who the fuck you are, and even though you might be too fucking scared to fully express it yet – you are getting there.
It’s all part of the process. It is a paradox. I don’t think that that all-rounded, natural confidence that women find so attractive, can happen over night. It comes with experience and acceptance of one’s limitations. It comes with growth. And it comes with faith. You are not here to be God’s gift to woman. You are here to be the man it pleases you to be, and if there are women out there intelligent enough to want to come along for the ride, then great. If not, fuck it. Faith. That’s the only thing that will get you to where you want to be.