Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Good Sex vs Bad Sex?

Being good in bed is about being authentic. There is no special technique. There is no special secret that you must know about a woman. What will make you good in bed is exactly the same thing that will make you good in everything else that you do in life. It is about being uncompromisingly yourself. It is about sticking to what you know you are about, to your values and to what inspires you personally. Good sex is about two unique people sharing their personalities, and their dreams. Without this level of intimacy, I am going to say right here, you are not really having sex. All you are doing is experiencing friction followed by relief, or a release of tension.
Closeness and intimacy cannot exist if you don’t have that same closeness and intimacy with yourself. This is not just a trite arrangement of words. It is a motherfucking fact. If you are lying to yourself, trying to be something you are not, this will come over in the bedroom. A woman will know this right away. There is nowhere to hide between the sheets.
And perhaps this is why sex causes men so much anxiety. Maybe this is why it is so scary for us. Why most of us are constantly sexually frustrated. Our sexualities are very rarely authentically expressed, because we are very rarely authentically ourselves. Bad sex comes from being disingenuous. It comes from bravado and machismo rather than simply being prepared to explore closeness with another.
But it is not easy. I am a man, and I have grown up with the most abusive culture surrounding male sexuality. I say it is abusive, because you could be forgiven for thinking that it was actually hand designed to dislodge you from your own sensitivities. It homogenises male sexuality, by objectifying women in bland, uniform and ultimately boring ways. It reduces sexual attraction to a set of physical relations of shape, colour and size. It wipes out the personality from sex.
The result is that we objectify ourselves. We start to regard ourselves as nothing more than functional tools. Our dicks become nothing more than implements. Rather than our bodies being physical expressions of what is in reality a complex, subtle and dynamic emotional make-up. We are never taught to explore what is unique about our sexualities. We are instead taught to aspire to some never-defined standard of physical prowess.
Now, the upshot of what I am saying here, is something that will actually fill you with dread. But the truth is, if you want to be good at anything, you have to be prepared to be shit at it. There are no geniuses in bed. Sex is not a sport. Sex is closer to art or poetry. That is, that what defines greatness is uniqueness, honesty and sensitivity. Sure there are techniques, but like Jackson Pollock said of his painting, technique serves only to bring you closer to the truth you are trying to express. And when it comes to making love, that truth is yourself.
But this is the really hard part. And it might actually be the foundations of a healthy male sexuality. Look at what women find attractive. I mean what they really find attractive, not what they say they find attractive. It is someone who is grounded, and secure in themselves. But you can only be that guy after a long journey into your own spiritual (that word again) and mental space. You can only be this person if you have actually spent some time getting to know who you are and what drives you.
And if I am raging against anything on this blog it is the fucking despicable characterisation of men as ”all the same” or the idea in our culture that male sexuality is something generic, a kind of simplistic knee jerk reaction to given set of circumstances. For sure, I might ejaculate easily under a set of given circumstances. A naked woman in an erotic pose, will always get me hard. But it stops there. If I am to be truly satisfied in bed, if I am to truly love a woman in bed, and to pleasure her, I must be truly myself. I must be authentic. And most importantly, I must be FREE to express my true, authentic personality during sex. Sex is a vehicle of authentic self-expression. Sex and art are the same.
We live in a culture which implicitly teaches men to be sexual drones. We therefore become robotic during sex, and no wonder we are confronted with a whole generation of exasperated and disappointed women. No wonder they are starting to question whether or not we are really any use to them at all. We are divorced from ourselves.
The solution? There is no fucking solution, because the problem is itself illusory. All we need to do is strip away the cultural baggage and put our own personalities at the heart of our sexualities. And like anything, there are no overnight successes. If a woman wants you to blow her mind within minutes of getting naked then you should tell her to go and bring herself off. You are not there to be some sort of sex toy. You are not some petty indulgence of the senses. You are a human being, and within you resides a hundredfold secrets and dreams. You are not a tool. You are not an implement. You are not here merely for the pleasure of woman. But your uncompromising authenticity, and willingness to be open and vulnerable and ultimately TRUE with a woman, is exactly what will make you diamond in the sack.
End. Of. Story.


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