If any of you are at all wondering what has happened to my training, I am still doing it. I have missed three days in total. Which means I am due a massive kick in the ass from my telecommunicative personal trainer Sabrina. I will make these up, however. It basically means training on my days off over the next few weeks, and I will be able to total 42 workouts by the end of the sixth week.
I am on my third week. I have hit a very big wall. It is the little voice in my head that keeps telling me that it will do no good, that I can't change or look the way I want to look. There is some major self-sabotage going on here. I had a chat with my other internet friend Oolie, who told me I'm experiencing a crisis of motivation. That what I thought were my primary motivations for doing this, are not enough.
Since then, I have realised what my real motivations are. And no, I am not going to tell you. Because it is all part of the masterplan, and the ultimate goal will be sacrificed if I say too much.
My resistance training tonight was pretty horrible, as usual. I need to find some way of working out in this way that does not depress me. I like cardio. My hour long weekend run is my favourite part of the program. Running is like a meditation.
But I very nearly didn't make my resistance workout again. I had to spend a half hour watching Muhammad Ali videos on You Tube to get the energy up to train.
One thing that I find difficult is that I am not seeing any benefits. I am not toning up yet. I know that if I was, that would make it a lot easier. I have lost weight, though. I've lost about six pounds or so in the first two weeks. Pretty good going. But as I said, it is not about the weight. I just want to look good naked!
Okay, stay tuned. I have a lot more to say about this motivation stuff. Because this is really the journey I am on. I have some cool ideas about a post on the best playlist for a workout. Lots of Rolling Stones and James Brown, so watch this space.
I'll leave you with this, however. Motivation has to come from your values. You have to be doing whatever it is that you are doing, because it matters to you at some deep level. Okay, so you can get so far with your sex drive. But the physical drive is not enough. As I have said before on this blog, your sexuality must be married to your personality, if you are really to find any kind of sexual power at all. Otherwise you are a slave to your basic urges. However, if you are clear about what your values are, about what is really fucking important to you, then the pain for the gain will always be worth it. A lack of motivation comes froma lack of clarity and belief about the things which matter to you most.
Now, for me, what is most important is creativity. Inspiration. I don't mean just drawing pretty pictures and thinking "aw, that's nice!" I mean creative thinking. I mean the kind of creativity which can destroy mountains, ruin civilisations. A deeply philosophical creativity. So, my personal challenge over the last week has been to try and find some way of marrying these values with my impulse to train and get fit, and also to express my sexuality.
The thing is, though, they already are one and the same thing, and it is only now that I am realising that. And I will just say one more thing: the way that they unite is in a very practical, purposeful sense. I am going to say no more than that.