There are certain fundamental myths about male sexuality which are dangerous and damaging. One of them is that it is about quantity not quality. This is really wrong. As long as our emphasis is on quantity, we will never focus on the unique variations we have to offer a woman in bed. We must discover our individualities, so that when we do come to the woman we are meant to be with, we can live up to the task. We can’t do any of this is we are constantly distracted from who we are. We have to discover who and what we are about as people, before we can fully express our sexualities.
Sexual energy is creative energy. In the same way then, we have to conserve our sexual expression like we conserve our creativity. That means not spreading it around aimlessly. There is nothing wrong with being prolific, experimental or open about sex or art. But we owe it to ourselves to nurture the energy and express it in the most optimum and productive ways.
Who says that in order to be a man, you must fuck as many women as possible? One great sonnet can change the world, so why can’t one sexual encounter be the best form of expressing that energy?
This highlights the two extremes at the heart of our culture, in sex as well as everything else. On the one hand we are told to be pure, piously suspicious of our sexualities. On the other, we are told we can have anything we want – that to be modern and free, is exactly the ability to get whatever you want, when you want it. “You want the donut – well this is a free country, have the fucking donut.” And basically the attitude to sex is the same. If it is there, then we are entitled to it.
We have lost all sense of healthy restraint. Because restraint itself has been given a bad name. It has been tarnished by extreme puritanical religiosity. The same has happened to words like discipline, respect, and self-control. We therefore dance between these two extremes with no sense of power in our sexualities.
As men, we need to regain that sense of power over how and when we express our sexualities. We have to learn that saying no, even if the woman is attractive, is as important an expression of our sexualities as saying yes. We have to realise that restraining ourselves is not denying ourselves. It is actually a positive affirmation of our creative and sexual identities. Once we learn how to say no to what is unhealthy and unproductive, we are implicitly saying yes to who we really are as sexual beings.
Perhaps you think this cannot be done. Maybe you think that it is fundamental to the male drive that he is actually overpowered by his own drives. That it is just a biological fact that there is a point of no return. Or maybe you think that talk of sexual restraint and sexual control is dangerously close to Puritanism, or the sexual repression that has blighted our culture for centuries.
None of this is the case. In fact, the opposite is true. This is not about denying yourself what you love, or repressing your natural urges. It is about understanding your true desires. It is about understanding what is best for you in the long term, in the same way as understanding what food we need to put in our body at what time, is just a matter of common sense.
It is about understanding the emotions that underlie our sexual behaviours, and trying harder to express them in ever more subtle and accurate ways.
So the next time you jack-off, or you feel overwhelmed with attraction to a woman, ask yourself, what emotion is being expressed here? Is it ultimately what I want? Is this really what I am all about?
This is difficult stuff, because as a generation of men we are not used to denying ourselves short term pleasure. We are not used to thinking long term, because our social functions are as consumers. (Incidentally, this why so-called liberated women are often depicted simply being consumptive. As if having the money to buy whatever you want, or the power to use whoever you want for sexual gratification, is a sign of freedom). We need to move beyond this. We need to understand that saying no to what does not reflect who we really are as men, is ultimately affirming our sexualities.
And yes, this might mean being alone for a while. It might mean that you do not find a woman appropriate to your sexuality, and that you have to turn away a lot of people before you find the right person who is sensitive to your creative and sexual identity. But we have to make peace with the fact that in periods of sexual inactivity, we are actually being sexually active. That our sexual identities are as much about what we don’t do, as what we do do. Treat your sexual energies, like you treat your dreams. Keep them to yourself until the time is right.
It is weird because this ability to hold back, is exactly the basic technique of an advanced sexuality. It is so foreign to most of us. I read recently that the average period of time before coming for a man is about five to ten minutes. This is a shame. Not from the woman’s point of view. I mean, that is a shame, but we are not concerned with that here.
How can we, as men, be truly fulfilled if we are only lasting this long inside a woman? And if we are constantly going from quickie to quickie, how is this affecting the way we look at ourselves and our partners? At what point does a woman become a functional tool to a specific end, rather than a human being with whom we share our most hidden and powerful energies? Just asking.
The ability to say no is essential to your sexual prowess. The more you can say no, the better you will be in bed. We have to regain control of our sexualities. We have to harness this power that is flowing through us, and not be beholden to cultural stimulation that will have us on our knees every time a naked woman’s flesh is plastered across a bright screen. Then and only then, will we be able to fuck like kings.